


holding all i used to be sorry about

by unbelieve



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Bisexual Cisco Ramon, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e17 Flash Back, Trans Hartley Rathaway, Trans Male Character, i'll make this subcategory myself if i have to so help me god
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-09 22:32:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11678433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unbelieve/pseuds/unbelieve
Summary: Takes place after 2x17. After helping Team Flash defeat the Time Wraith, Hartley's been away for a while, trying to figure out who he is away from all the bad memories. He never manages to stay gone for long.





	holding all i used to be sorry about

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury.

“Caitlin, I’m gonna have to call you back. Someone’s in the lab.”

“What-“

Cisco cuts Caitlin’s next words off with a swipe of his thumb, a necessary evil. No one’s supposed to be in the lab today. The Wests are home for a family dinner that Cisco happily would have attended if he hadn’t had work to catch up on. Harry and Jesse are back on their Earth, and they almost always warn him before they pop in. Caitlin hadn’t mentioned what she was doing at any point during their chat, but Cisco knows Thursday is her night to marathon terrible reality TV.

The lab is supposed to be empty. He was kind of counting on it to get his latest project done. The universe doesn’t seem to agree with what was supposed to happen, though, because there’s very definitely someone sitting at one of the lab computers.

Cisco makes his way into the cortex as quietly as possible, hands coming up to defend himself. He must not be quiet enough, because the figure turns abruptly, and Cisco’s a little too on edge. The vibrational blasts shoot from his palms before he’s quite made a conscious decision about it, and the surprise guest topples out of the chair and just barely avoids hitting the wall.

“Cisco, what the fuck?”

The voice is a familiar one, even if it’s been a while since he’s heard it in person. Cisco has to fight the urge to smile, because that’d be a good way to invite verbal evisceration after this greeting.

“Hartley?”

Hartley hauls himself up off the ground, gingerly prodding at a couple of spots on his arm and torso before responding. “I’m fine, thanks for asking.”

“ _Dios_ , you could warn me if you’re going to show up after months. You scared me.” Cisco’s just now managing to relax, propping himself on one of the desks. “When did you get back to Central?”

“About half an hour ago.”

Cisco doesn’t stop to question why that answer stings a little, makes something under his ribcage feel just a fraction too hollow. “You could have called.”

“I was going to. Tomorrow.”

“You didn’t think we’d want to know you were back?”

Hartley fiddles with his hearing aid a little, the gesture familiar. It’s a nervous habit he’s never seemed to break, even if they’d gone through so many iterations of the devices that they fit in his ears perfectly. “I… had some things to think about. I was just stopping in here to borrow some old data back.”

Cisco looks him over, actually looks at him for the first time in this whole almost-fiasco. “You look different, Hart.”

Hartley snorts. “Good to know I didn’t spend all that money on top surgery for nothing.”

“That’s not what I meant. Congratulations, though. I just mean you look- relaxed? I don’t know.”

“Midway doesn’t have someone trying to destroy the city every two weeks.”

Cisco nods, even though they both know that hadn’t been what drove Hartley away. If Hartley had truly wanted a way out of dealing with metas, he wouldn’t have taken every one of Cisco’s frantic calls.

“What brings you back, then?”

More fidgeting. “I’m… thinking about moving back.”

“I thought you liked it there.”

“It was… nice. But it’s not as though I’m exactly used to nice. It got boring.”

_Boring is better than hurt,_ Cisco wants to say. _Better than hurt or manipulated or rejected or any of the other tragedies that befell Central City’s Hartley Rathaway._ But Cisco can already imagine the way Hartley will respond to that, telling Cisco that if those were the criteria, he should have left as well.

“I mean, you always have a place here if you want it. I’ve been Skyping you in enough that you might as well have been here.”

Hartley’s smile is tinged with something a little dark, a little more bitter. “I can’t seem to stay away.”

“You don’t have to work here? I’m sure someone else would hire you.” Cisco’s not quite sure what Hartley wants. Then again, he’s not sure Hartley’s sure what Hartley wants.

Hartley shakes his head. “I think this timeline’s me is fated to end up here. And it has to be more interesting than consulting.”

“I guess that’s one way of looking at it.” Cisco chews at the inside of his lip a little in the silence, before adding, “I missed you.”

Hartley seems caught off guard, uncharacteristically speechless for a moment. Then, another moment later, he throws Cisco off in return. “I missed you too.”

“You know, sometimes I think I’m used to the idea that you’re actually nice to me now. Then you pull something like this.”

“I can go back to being a dick.” Hartley shrugs. “Easy switch, we might all be more comfortable.”

Cisco shakes his head. “I like nice Hartley. And if nice Hartley wants to go get dinner, I’d be down.”

“What, like a date?” Hartley’s half-joking. Only half.

“Call it whatever you want, I’m just starving and I want to eat. I forgot to get lunch.”

Hartley’s not really sure whether or not that’s a yes, and he’s not sure whether he wants it to be. He shouldn’t have expected it to be that simple, that’s certain. Whatever’s between them has always been a shapeshifting, undefinable thing, but it has never been simple.

“Where to? And I swear I’ll drive back to Midway tonight if the name of a burger place is the next thing out of your mouth.”

“There’s a new Laotian place I wanted to try, and I guess this is as good an occasion as any. The Yelp reviews are through the roof.”

“Lead the way.”

They head out, and in the beginning the topic of choice is Cisco asking about what little had happened during Hartley’s time out of the city. Listening to Cisco talk is more of an adventure, though, and Hartley finds himself asking about stories he put together long ago from the news and from Cisco’s calls. If Cisco catches on, he doesn’t mention it.

The Laotian place is as good as its reviewers claimed, and the conversation isn’t half-bad either. They end up arguing about the circuitry on one of Cisco’s inventions partway through, but nothing about it is as vicious as it used to be. It’s a lot harder to remember they once couldn’t stand to share space for more than a minute when they’re splitting a plate of summer rolls.

Cisco insists on paying because he’d been the one to “drag Hartley along,” and Hartley decides there’s one more piece of data he’s missing before he decides if he’s moving back or not. It’s going to be a risk, but Hartley has always needed to know more than he’s needed to be safe.

He pauses on the sidewalk just outside the restaurant, waiting for Cisco to stop. “I think I’d like this to be a date. And I also think I’d like to kiss you now, if that’s okay.”

Cisco frowns, running a hand through his hair. “Where is this coming from?”

“I’ve wanted to kiss you since the day I met you.” Honesty can’t hurt any more than starting this line of conversation already has.

“You hated me.”

“I thought I did. It was easier.”

“You were terrible.”

“I was jealous, and angry, and the more I talked to anyone the less I felt like I passed, so it was easier if we both thought I hated you.”

“If you can turn that into a real apology, I’m willing to turn this into a real date.”

Hartley’s smile is genuine this time, no hint of the earlier bitterness. “I accept those terms. Cisco, I’m sorry for how I treated you.”

Cisco thinks he could get used to that smile, a little crooked and all the more valuable in its rarity. “Works for me.” He leans in and kisses Hartley, quick and gentle.

“All of that soul-baring, and that’s all I get?”

“Well, if you insist.” Cisco tugs Hartley in by the belt loops of his too-fancy slacks and kisses him deeply. Hartley’s hands come up to tangle themselves in Cisco’s hair as he kisses back, ignoring the way the girl cleaning tables inside has paused in her work to stare.

Hartley finally pulls away to breathe, lacing his fingers with Cisco’s. “I think I’ve just been convinced to move back to Central City.”


End file.
